Welcome back to Strategic Counsel by ForthRight Business! Looking for Marketing Smarts? You’re in the right place. After almost 4 years of helping to make you savvier marketers, we decided to broaden this podcast to include more business-oriented topics that will make you savvier business leaders.

In this episode of Strategic Counsel by ForthRight Business, we get VULNERABLE about the struggles & triggers we’ve been called out for in our careers. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and your other favorite podcast spots – follow and leave a 5-star review!

• Episode Summary & Player
• Show Notes
• Marketing Smarts Summary
• Transcript

The Very Real Struggle of High Performers

Let’s face it: every high performer has an area where they struggle. And, it is almost always a soft skill. What can we do about this? Use your soft-skill struggle as a superpower by naming it & owning it, modulating your Appearance & Behaviors + Actions accordingly, being intentional & consistent with your Appearance & Behaviors + Actions, and letting your Big Thing be your compass. You’re in for a real treat in this one, as we get VULNERABLE about the struggles & triggers we’ve been called out for in our careers. Here’s a small sample of what you will hear in this episode:

• Not wanting to admit weakness
• 3 strategies for dealing with soft-skill struggles
• Why you can’t just turn off a soft skill
• You cannot achieve your big thing alone
• Let you big thing be your compass

And as always, if you need help in building your Marketing Smarts, don’t hesitate to reach out to us at: forthright-people.com/.

Check out the episode, show notes, and transcript below:

Show Notes

• The Very Real Struggle of High Performers
  • [0:29] What is the struggle of high performers?
  • [0:54] Soft skills: how you show up and relate to the world
  • [1:22] “4 Strategies for Dealing with Soft Skill Struggles”
  • [2:20] Why you can’t just turn off a soft-skill challenge
  • [3:36] Name the soft skill challenge and own it
  • [4:05] “It shouldn’t be an issue”
  • [5:01] Not wanting to admit weakness
  • [5:29] Being blind to it
  • [7:50] Anne’s example: being seen as non-collaborative
  • [10:15] April’s example: leaving people in the dust
  • [12:24] Your soft skill challenge could look many different ways
  • [13:51] A journaling exercise to reveal your soft skill pattern
  • [14:18] Understand what characteristic it stems from
  • [15:13] At the root of every soft-skill challenge is a well-intended characteristic
  • [16:13] What triggers Anne’s collaborativeness issue
  • [18:31] April’s achievement characteristic and the Enneagram 3
  • [21:09] Fear of being let down as a trigger
  • [26:19] What got you here won’t get you there
  • [27:45] Be aware, be intentional, and be consistent
  • [28:13] When soft skill feedback gets in the system, everything becomes the hammer
  • [33:52] Let your big thing be your compass
  • [34:22] You cannot achieve your big thing alone
  • [37:10] Choosing to do the work is what sets you apart
  • [38:36] Maturity, personal growth, and the role of ego
  • [40:28] Make sure to follow Strategic Counsel by ForthRight Business on your favorite podcast spot and leave us a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts

What is Strategic Counsel?

Welcome back to Strategic Counsel by ForthRight Business! Looking for Marketing Smarts? You’re in the right place. After almost 4 years of helping to make you savvier marketers, we decided to broaden this podcast to include more business-oriented topics that will make you savvier business leaders.

Thanks for listening Strategic Counsel. Get in touch here to become more strategic. 

Transcript

Please note transcript not 100% accurate

00:01

Welcome to the Strategic Council by Forthright Business podcast.  If you’re looking for honest, direct and unconventional conversations on how to successfully lead  and operate in business,  you are in the right place.  In our discussions, we push on the status quo and traditional modes of thinking  to reveal a fresh perspective.  This unlocks opportunity for you, your team  and your business. Now let’s get to it.

00:29

Welcome to the Strategic Council podcast. I am Anne Candido. And I am April Martini. And today we’re going to talk about the struggle of high performers. All right. I know this is early in the episode, but I’m going to get on my tie box for a second. Here we go. Setting the context. Yes, because I’ve been having this conversation with a lot of people because every high performer has an area where they struggle. Right. And it’s

00:54

almost always a soft skill or in other words, the way me and April define soft skills is the way somebody shows up and relates and engages with the world around them. So  this is a reality even for high performers. And we’re going to get into why this creates a struggle for them. But in many cases, this is a huge obstacle in their journey to achieving their big thing.  And when this struggle starts to present itself, this challenge starts to present themselves.

01:22

there’s a lot of feelings that start to brew.  So the external feelings of frustration, anger, resentment, and then it always turns internal. And when it turns internal, it becomes feelings like inadequacy, imposter syndrome, loss of confidence and joy. And for many seriously, it presents itself as shame. Yeah, it’s a real bummer.  It is, it is. And so let me be the first to say, mean, high performers  facing struggle.

01:50

There’s nothing wrong with you. This is part of the journey. And you’re going to hear a lot from April and I later as we share our journey in this  same kind of vein. And secondly,  as you’re going to also hear from us, when you admit that there is a struggle, you can start to address it. And believe me,  I know how hard it can be to accept and acknowledge that there is a struggle, especially when you’re killing it and delivering your business goals. But also believe me when I say, if you don’t take responsibility for the way you’re showing up,

02:20

It can be  a deal breaker. Yes. And let me say that despite what all these well-meaning bosses, coaches, mentors, you name it, say, you don’t solve for this soft skill struggle just by trying to turn them  off because this comes across as inauthentic and actually in the long run distances you from your goals and your progress and your big thing. You have

02:48

to take the time to understand where it’s coming from as well as why and when there are triggers that are causing this to show up and then do something about it. A thousand percent. So today we’re going to talk about those four strategies for dealing with soft skill struggles. And again, I’m just going to reiterate this to make you feel better about yourselves.  the reason why April and I can talk and speak to this with such depth

03:15

is because we have endured it. We went through it. And if we’re not enough, we watch colleagues go through it. We can pull all their stories. And then on top of it now, we coach  people through it, right? So  this is universal. So  we’re just going to put that on the table and we’re going to get vulnerable.

03:36

The word that everybody loves.  So hopefully if people are still listening after I said the big V word, we’re going to jump into  those strategies. Okay. So first, the most important one is to name the soft skill challenge and own it. And it seems so simple, but this is actually the hardest part. And what makes it hard generally falls into one of three camps. So first of all, and this was mine,  it shouldn’t be an issue, right?

04:05

So if you’re killing it as a high performer, you’re delivering  everything and you’re exceeding expectations, the way  I did the work, and I’m gonna say  I, because I’m going to take some responsibility for this,  I believe it shouldn’t have mattered, right? If I accidentally pissed somebody off, if I accidentally am short in a meeting, if I accidentally make somebody cry, if only did that a couple of times, April does that way more than I do.

04:31

I mean, if I did that in the course of delivering  my big goals, okay, it happens. I’m sorry, but not sorry, right? And so I, lot of times didn’t take responsibility for it. I just thought people should get over it.  And on the other side of this, I was almost kind of proud about it. Like I was almost kind of proud that I had a little bit of an intimidation factor that people were like really wanting to please me in these meetings because they were afraid of how I was going to react. And I had a kind of a laissez faire. That is  not.

05:01

Healthy guys, I’m just going to tell you right that  again, we said we’ve been through it and we’ve made the mistake. So here you’re hearing them here. You’re hearing it right the big V word.  The other camp that this could fall into is we don’t want to admit that we have a challenge because this makes us feel bad about ourselves, right? And that is  so human and I get it because  especially for killing. We’re a high performer. We want to make we have any weaknesses. It feels and it puts makes us vulnerable.

05:29

to all kinds of attacks and makes us vulnerable to what our whole overall image and reputation looks like. So we just decide we’re not going to admit it, right? And then the third one is we’re actually blind to it because as April and I talk about all the time, soft skill feedback is rarely given. And if it’s given, it’s given in a very obscure way that is really hard to make it tangible. So you’re going to have to really  be aware and especially in your, in your surroundings, in your environment.

05:58

that you have some of these soft skills challenges and you  get to those by really analyzing how people are reacting to you. How are people engaging with you? Are you being effective in your communications? Are you able to influence? How do people stand? How do people,  do they actually look you in the eye when you’re talking to them?  All these things that you can kind of get some clues as to,  hey, um I’m being effective or not. Now, regardless of the camp we fit into, a lot of time,

06:27

Again, if we actually use that V word for a whole hot second, we actually know. I mean, we kind of know it is something that we kind of innately know, but we again,  we’re just not tuning into it. So April, what’s your perspective on this? And then I’m going to give a little example about how this showed up for me in the second, but I’ll let you chime in first. Yeah. I mean,  I think it’s all of these symptoms, but what I would just emphasize  is the fact that

06:57

It’s not worth wasting the time ignoring it. Because the thing about high performers  is there are varying levels of self-awareness, but  I will make the statement that I feel like there’s always enough self-awareness to recognize when something’s not going your way.  And all the things, Anne, you said are exactly right.

07:21

you know, little squishier, I’ll say. It’s not fun to have to deal with it. It’s not fun to have to turn the mirror on yourself. You know, you,  it’s much easier to do the work and do it well and keep moving forward and kind of say, I’m going to put this over here and worry about it later.  But to the comment I made at the beginning, when you do that,  you just set yourself up for failure in the long run. And the longer you do it, the worse it’ll get. Yeah. A thousand percent.  And that’s

07:50

a super good segue into sharing a soft skill that we had to  acknowledge because that’ll set us up for the rest of the episode as we continue to come back to it  and people will notice a threat. So I’ll start and then I’m going to ask you to give your example to April. Oh goody. So you can think about and prepare for that.  So the one that  was the hardest for me to acknowledge, especially because I didn’t believe it was true. Mind you, you guys know what camp I’m in, okay.

08:19

um was  people didn’t think I was very collaborative. Now,  I thought I was extremely collaborative. I liked working in teams. I liked being with people.  I mean, I didn’t think I was uncollaborative. But then when you kind of lock into the fact that I was also kind of a bit of a control freak,  I was very, had very strong points of view.  I had a strong sense of ownership.

08:48

when you kind of put all those things together and they started all kind of coming together at once, then yeah, they could present themselves as not being collaborative. An example I’ll give is when I was in R &D pretty young into my career, I was responsible for the single cup coffee brewer. is before they were extremely popular and I was working with the team in France on that and I brought the coffee brewer back and my team and I were supposed to analyze this machine.

09:18

Well, when I showed up, I was the only one who showed up. And I was like, where is everybody else?  And I asked my boss, was like, where is everybody? And he said, well, you kind of made it pretty clear that you didn’t need their help or nor did you want their help. And I was like, I don’t understand how that could be true. You know, and he again, you know, would speak to the fact of like, you know, it’s a symbol of not being collaborative. But for me, it was just like,  I had a certain way I wanted to run through it. I had a certain process. I had

09:46

you know, all my ideas and I didn’t really create any room or space for other people to express their ideas or thoughts or how they wanted to proceed. And so I basically kind of told them they were irrelevant to my process. That was my first time I had to admit that maybe how I was presenting myself could come off as being non-collaborative. And I’m going to have more to talk about that on a little bit later. But April, how about yours? is a little bit.

10:15

Um, yes. So as all of you know by now, Anne and I share some tendencies before we even knew each other. So mine’s going to follow kind of a similar idea. Although as we get into the stories and things, it’s a different experience, but

10:34

The big thing for me was I was always known as being a hard charger. And when I was young in my career, I had the unfortunate experience of having a boss that really fueled the fire of that. And so at an age where I was, let’s say, very impressionable, he saw in me the desire to just go, go, go, climb the ladder, finish work.

10:59

learn as fast as I could, complete as many things as possible, and always with excellence to a level of kind of perfection at that point in my career. I had not learned the 80 for the 20 rule ah and was kind of working myself to death.  And  similar to Anne, I didn’t see anything wrong with being a hard charger because at that point  I was doing all the things, checking all the boxes, growing really fast,  learning, cutting my teeth on all different kinds of experiences until

11:27

I was at the point where I wanted to start moving up and building this into a career. And so I was lucky enough, and I won’t get too much into the story, because I know we’ll contextualize more of this later, but to have two mentors who are still really good friends that sat me down and talked to me about bringing people along. So where Anne’s was more collaboration, mine was leaving people in the dust, which makes me cringe, because the irony is that

11:55

All I wanna do all day is bring people along and help them in their careers. But at that point,  I wanted to be a one man show. And I did hold the belief at that point in time that I could do it better than anybody else.  And sharing the control freak with Ann,  I didn’t even give people a chance to show me that they could take on any of it. Because in my mind, I was gonna do it, like I said before, better,  faster, and to perfection. Yep. Yeah, okay.

12:24

That was a really good first step.  I’m starting to sweat guys. oh It is a bit like therapy. It is a bit like therapy. We’re going, we’re going really deep here.  I mean, I wanted to make the point too, is that, you know, when me and April talk about collaborativeness and hard charging, it  kind of feels like it goes hand in hand with being a high performer, but know that your soft skill challenge could be a multitude of different things.

12:52

And it actually could be something that maybe flies a little bit below the radar. So maybe you are a high performer, but you don’t like conflict, you know? And so you don’t want to have like the tough conversations. So this could take like multiple different forms and it doesn’t have to be something that is as strong as what me and April are talking about. That just happens to be ours. So  don’t try to like say, well, you know, think about it from the context of like, well, where am I really showing up and being a really abrasive or like

13:21

it might not, you might not be showing up as being abrasive at all. Maybe yours is you’re not showing up, right? So just think about it in that context. I just want to just to caveat that,  is cause me and April have very similar  ways about which we approach  things.  And so you kind of get a little bit of that. So we’re trying not to feed off of each other. Well, and I think to just, if I put on my coaching hat for a minute, an exercise that I assigned to all of our clients at various points in our journeys together,

13:51

is if you don’t know what it is, take a look at over the course of,  call it three or four weeks,  jot down places where you didn’t show up like you wanted to,  and don’t think about them much beyond that. Just do that. And then at the end of that three or four weeks, and you know, do it, it a couple times a week or, you know, at the end of every day, two or three minutes, just reflect. Look for patterns. And usually  that will reveal where your soft skill adage is.

14:18

Yep. And that’s going to be a good one to kind of bring back in a little bit here too, when we talk about triggers. Oh, yeah. That’s a great one. All right. So the second strategy is understand what characteristic it stems from, the soft skill challenge, and modulate your appearance and your behaviors and actions accordingly. All right. You guys, at the root of every soft skill challenge is a well-intended characteristic that is misfiring.

14:45

Uh huh. All right. I’m going to say it one more time because this is really important to understand at the root of every soft skill challenge is a well intended characteristic that is misfiring. Now remember what me and April say, characteristics are neither good nor bad. They just have the power to move us towards our big thing or away. So when they’re moving us away, we need to ask ourselves why we feel the need to show up like this. And like I said, I’m going to get back to this and I’m getting it back to it sooner rather than later.

15:13

it’s likely that you’re being triggered. All right. So triggers, uh, and we have a really great episode coming up on,  uh, triggers here,  I think in a couple of weeks. So  be on a, on the lookout for that. But for now,  when we talk about triggers, we’re talking about people, places and things that cause us to show up in certain ways. And a lot of times they’re like knee jerk reactions, right? We see it, we feel it, we’re there and we have this immediate visceral reaction to whatever we’re experiencing. So.

15:44

All right, let’s go back to my collaborativeness so that we  can put this in perspective.  Thanks April, thanks for that side of the coin. Okay, so if I really was going to consider  what was going on here for me and the collaborativeness  and this progresses across multiple different moments and I’m going to get to that in the next point,  is that it’s really my Italian-ness, so the fact that I’m Italian, misfiring.

16:13

Okay, this is what really like  is the response to a lot of these triggers. And it stems from like two really specific triggers. And this is not going to surprise you guys at all based on what I already shared is that I  believe  whatever prevailing opinion  that I’m experiencing at that moment is wrong. And usually I feel like I’m right.

16:36

or someone or said or did something that didn’t meet my expectations, right? So those are usually the two triggers that happen that  really my Italian-ness starts to come out. Now,  what I want to say is I have every right to share my point of view. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t share your point of view, but when I’m triggered, I go full blown Italian. My voice elevates, I get really direct,  I get very animated.

17:04

I mean, I get very, very big and I already show up in the room and I am a big presence in the room anyway. And I recognize that about myself. But when I’m Italian, it goes like super bore. Right. And the people in the room,  they can’t hear me. Like it totally shuts them down. That style and tone by which I’m communicating it.  A lot of times it scares people.  I mean, it literally I’ve been told that I’m a little bit scary at the best case scenarios. I turn them off and that’s still not like on a great side of the spectrum.

17:34

And so when I  realized that these things are going to trigger me, I have to take the responsibility to realize that that is going to happen. And I have to change my appearance and my behaviors and actions so that I can show up in a way that I’m going to be hurt because I’m still going to share my point of view. Like that’s not going to change. I’m not saying, you know, you’re, you should sit and you should sit on your hands. You shouldn’t say anything,  but  have to be responsible for the way that I’m communicating.  And on top of that,

18:03

I don’t want to continue to get that feedback that I’m not collaborative, right? And I’m going to get to why that’s important a little bit later. But in the meantime, April, why don’t you share how this is presenting for you? Yep. So, okay. So here we go again. I cooled down. Now the sweat will start again, but we’re here. So I already said I’m a hard charger and I like to move fast. And in working with my coach, I’ve learned that I’m an Enneagram three, not an eight as previously thought.

18:31

And so for me, what that means is action and progress is everything. And so the characteristic at work here is pure achievement.  And  as my coach, Denny, the wonderful Denny has taught me, I need to constantly remind myself that I am a human being, not a human doing. But there was this time in my  career, like I said before, where I was running. I mean, you couldn’t give me enough stuff to do. I wanted to learn it all. I wanted to drink it in.

19:01

I had some of that imposter syndrome of being the youngest one in the room, all of those things were at work. And so that achievement was what I was constantly  fueling. However,  finally my two friends decided to sit me down and tell me that I could run all day and then leave everyone behind. And they knew that they could kind of put my words back to me, right? So I would…

19:27

Talk about wanting a promotion. In fact, I probably talked about it so much that they were like, oh my gosh, you young little, what is the word, whippersnappers, sit down and calm down. You’ve been here a whole hot minute. And explain to me the value  of bringing people along. And like Anne said, part of that idea of…

19:45

not meaning it or not seeing it as bad or ill intention when she set things up. It really doesn’t matter, right? Because we also say that people’s perceptions are their reality. And so that’s why this point is so important about  modulating those characteristics so they show up in a way that can help you.  And so  my job, which was  painful, and I know we’ll get into this more as we go along, but the advice was that I had to learn to be patient, listen first.

20:12

teach where I could get people in my corner and give them things to do so that we could work together as a team and ultimately do more together. So what triggered your achievement characteristic? Oh gosh, are we going all the way back to childhood? I mean, if we have to, but I’m just curious because I know like you told me in the past, like when people want to like

20:39

go slow, which is also kind of funny because you’re a processor.  So how do you rectify those things in your mind? what? So maybe I should stop asking you like a gazillion questions that goes gazillion different directions, because I’m just I’m curious about like what triggers you and your achievement mindset. Yeah. So ah I mean, if we do go back all the way to like being the oldest of five children and a perfectionist, that’s where that achievement, I think the root cause of that achievement comes from. And we say what? Like by the time you’re seven or whatever, all your characteristics are baked.

21:09

So  if we go all the way back, I joked, but that’s  like really quite serious. But I think that for me,  I felt,  and this was my perception,  that there were too many times where I was let down when I tried to work with other people. And so I had just kind of built up this screw it, I’ll do it myself.  And then that’s where my…

21:35

control freak comes in, right?  And that sort of inner voice started around, I can do it better than anyone else. I can do it better than anyone else. And so  it just felt like a complete waste of time, which I, you know, I’m sure people are listening to this and being like, is this the same person that coaches me? Because it doesn’t sound like it.  I have learned people recovering people. I really do think that at that point in my career, because I wasn’t

22:02

you know, I was fueled along by the agency environment, a boss who wasn’t helpful in helping me manage this and myself,  plenty of hours to work, wanting to just be really good and learn really fast. So I just kept taking things on. And it was like, the bigger, the better, the bigger, the better, the bigger, the better, until I reached the point where it was like, I was getting up at 3am to talk to China when we were working on a merger and acquisition and  working all weekend to make sure that every employee was listed in the yearbook, right? Like it was ridiculous.

22:32

That’s a really good example. like that one. I don’t know that I answered the achievement thing, but I think you did the story. Well, you see that you said the trigger was, I mean,  the fear of being let down. And so, I mean, that kind of triggers your achievement mentality is when you look at people and you think that they’re going to let you down, the achievement like thing kicks in and off you go.  Well, and I wanted to go back to the other question because now I’m curious about that, too, which is how do you manage your hard charging and your need to process?

23:02

Cause I think that’s an also a struggle that money people focus  on when we hear, you know, high performing, you need to make decisions in the minute.  You need to be like quick on your feet, but you, mean, I’m not saying you’re not April. mean, if you have to come down and you need to make a decision, you can make a decision, but you, you’re a processor. You rather process through it, but you are still a hard charger. So how do you put those things together  in, because that, know that was a struggle for you.

23:28

And it continues to be one and kind of maintaining those expectations. Well, I think that part of my recovery is where the quote unquote is where the processing piece came out or became more developed or I don’t know, light was shed on it because the other side of the story is when I did these things and I took the advice to slow down and bring people along, I was able to pull things from other people, right? And put it together.

23:56

but you naturally have to slow down when you do that.  And so I think that was part of it. And then two,  in the beginning, right, when you start your career, you’re doing things. So you can get a lot of fulfillment and achievement and whatever and race through things and learn really fast because it’s more tactics. So as I got older and I was working with teams, but then also like the sheer volume of stuff we would collect  in order to build

24:24

brand strategy or bring a new product to market or build a persona or whatever, right? Like I worked for some of those agencies that we went deep on everything. And so that was also part of the processing was like spending time in and with and alongside others with this data to figure out which parts we were going to pull forward and really be considerate about it and choiceful about it. And that’s where I learned the best strategists come out, right? Because

24:54

you can  race, race, race, race, race. But if you want to get to the levels where you’re making business decisions  and you’re  working on Fortune 100 brands in a lot of cases, and you’re with executives again that in a lot of cases were a lot older than me, I think that’s where that kind of processing nature came out. And now I think I do it.  I mean, you brought it to my attention early on.

25:20

I don’t know that I would have called it that exactly, but I think now for me, it’s processing and also sitting with things and not having to check things off my list  in recent years. It’s like, that doesn’t need to be done right now. Again, it goes back to the human being human doing, right? And I think processing is kind of like, maybe it’s a defense mechanism as I’m hearing myself talk to not be like,  there’s 85 things on this list and I got three hours until the kids come home,  let’s go, right?  Instead it’s like,

25:50

know that that answer is that answer. It’s the answer because you want to check it off. I don’t know that it’s the right thing though. so, and I do in the processing phase kind of wait for my gut to like reveal the answer. And then I feel quite comfortable with whatever the decision is because it just becomes, it’s almost like it’s obvious if I let it sit long enough. There you go. It’s long.  no,  I think that was great because I think it really sets up a very fundamental understanding that is super important when it comes to

26:19

the quote unquote struggle. And the reason why we’re talking about this guys, like if I go back to the tide box a second is because it’s okay to struggle. I mean, where we’re taught now, you know, in this day and age that, you know, everything needs to kind of be repositioned to something positive, right? And so when we struggle, we feel like there’s something wrong with us. Again, there’s nothing wrong with us. We’re just going through a growth spurt, if you will. And usually as April,

26:46

I mean, really articulately stated in her her recount of her experiences, that almost always happens when you realize that what got you here is not going to get you there. Oh, yes. Right. So you can ignore some of these things for a very long time. And you can be in that second camp where you’d be like, I just don’t want to acknowledge that. You can kind of go on your merry way. And that’ll work to a certain point until it does not work anymore. And that’s usually not going to work when you’re a big thing.

27:16

it on the path of your big thing, comes into a question mark from people who have to evaluate you about whether or not you’re ready for that big thing. Leadership position, promotion, bigger team,  expanded role, whatever that looks like for you in your career. When they’re re-evaluating you and say, oh yeah, they’ve done everything that they need to do, but it’s this thing over here. We’re just not sure they’re ready for that next level. We’re not sure if they’re ready to manage people because of this. We’re not sure if they’re ready to take on  extended responsibilities because of this.

27:45

So this is usually when the point of like that struggle starts to become very, very present and omnipresent, frankly.  So what we’re trying to do is give you some perspective so you can acknowledge it now. So it doesn’t become that because the third strategy here guys is you need to be aware,  be intentional and be consistent with your appearance and behaviors and actions, especially when you’re trying to change perception. Cause remember what April said, people’s perceptions are the realities. So

28:13

What you probably notice,  and this is where I’m going to get back to my collaborative  issue here, is when there’s soft skill feedback, that when that soft skill feedback gets into system, if that is the nail, then everything else becomes the hammer. Okay? So  I mentioned before that, you know, my collaborativeness was a soft skill challenge I had to deal with. That became the nail for everybody else’s hammer. Okay? So

28:40

If I was trying to get alignment support on a RECO and I tried to do this like, and try to align people ahead of time. And this was even a specific example. I remember to this day, I was trying to get a brand manager approval on a RECO. And so I wanted to get my alignment ahead of time with people on the team and my management. So they would support me in this. When I went to her, she found out about it ahead of time. And all of a sudden I wasn’t collaborative because I was quote unquote going behind her back. Right.

29:08

I express my frustration in my agency. I’d let a lot of agencies, which  April had a lot of conversation  about, um, in my communications role,  I’d have to express my frustration for things that they just did not do well enough or the expectations they didn’t meet or the fact that they come unprepared. I remember a specific example where eight of them came to  a meeting  and I had an agenda and they didn’t even come prepared to talk to the agenda. They had their own agenda and I was like, bad, bad.

29:38

What’s coming going on here? So of course I was frustrated. I was a little upset in the meeting, not collaborative. Okay. Every time I presented a contradictory opinion in a meeting, it didn’t matter how big or small, not collaborative. So you can see, and you’re probably experiencing it too, is that every time you show up in a certain situation, people give you that hammer of like, okay, you know, whatever your soft scale challenges, it becomes the prevailing  reason why

30:07

you are not going to be listened to or why you’re not going to influence effectively  or how you’re showing up in, you know,  in building your reputation. People just start to keep on hammering you with that. I share all this just to know one, first of all, that we get it. But a second, just keep in mind that these tapes can be very hard to disrupt. All So you have to be very intentional  of  putting yourself in a position to disrupt them. That means

30:35

being aware, as we talked about before, of when these situations are likely to occur or how they occur and how you show up in these situations, being intentional for how you’re going to now show up in your behaviors and actions and your parents to counteract what people believe to be true about you already. And then to consistently do that time and time and time and time again until people  see you in a different light. And that can take a while and it may not be easy. So

31:03

I just want you guys to recognize that,  that we get it,  but you have to do the hard work to change the tape. Yep.  And I will say too, that it is an ongoing thing that you always have to stay on top of. Yes. So  I made the joke before  about people listening that I coach or know me as a coach, probably being like, Holy cow, did she have like a lobotomy? What happened? um

31:34

But the truth of the matter is, is that even now,  when I’m  coaching people or leading teams through organizational development work,  I have to pay very close attention to the cues that are being given to me in order to make sure that people are coming along with me.  And  it took me  a while, right? Like, so I always say I had those two women who were amazing, who were

32:02

cared enough about me to give me the feedback, but they weren’t always in the rooms with me.  And then, you you all know by this point that I love to jump around from company to company, there’s that achievement thing again.  And so a lot of times it relied on me to  manage  and assess how I was being received to make sure that people were tracking and were gonna come along with me.

32:29

And now in the work that we do, it’s the most important thing because if people can’t hear what I’m saying or understand what I’m saying or I’m moving too quickly for them, then we make no progress. And my whole job in those rooms is to bring people along, which is very ironic.  But it is  something that you have to continue to stay on top of. And we use the word struggle and we debated this, right? Because of that whole, we want people to be inspired and feel positive.

32:57

But the truth of the matter is,  that there are struggles and you don’t have to internalize them as negative, but you do have to make sure that you’re honoring yourself and the people that are around you by being aware, intentional and consistent in how you’re behaving and acting and ultimately showing up. Yeah, because what that does is it leads to trust, right? So you can’t have trust without consistency. So that trust can be

33:24

can see in a couple of different formats, you know, so you could be consistent on a negative side, which then they trust that you’re going to continue to behave like that, or you can be consistent on a more positive side. And then you can showcase that you’re going to,  you can be trusted to behave like that too. And again,  it’s what’s going to move you towards your goals,  what’s going to move you towards your big thing, you know, and that’s why I want to emphasize that because that’s the fourth strategy.

33:52

is you let your big thing be your compass, right? Because as April and I have talked about, I mean, you’re going to ask yourself why so many times.  am I doing this? Why do I even care? What’s the point of this?  Why can’t these people just get over it? Why is this so important? Why does it matter? mean, you’re going to ask yourself why or what in so many different contexts. And here is when we say the reason why is because you need others to achieve your big thing.

34:22

you can’t achieve your big thing on your own. Even April talked about that  when very young at her career, she thought she could be the lone ranger going out and doing all this on her own. And she realized that that was not going to get her  to that other level. Right. And so I also wasn’t going to have any friends. You weren’t going to have any friends and you’re not going to have a relationship and work wasn’t going to be fun. So there’s lots of other things in other reasons why this is so important and why it’s so important to build the relationships.

34:48

Right. And make sure that your reputation in your image are reflective of the personal brand that you want people to  see about you. And that is the authentic personal brand, as April said, that’s exuding from the way that you’re showing up. Because again, when people’s perceptions are reality, they both start to believe those things about you,  regardless if they are true or not, regardless if you intended for them or not. But always remember it is totally your choice.  I know we like to sit and we like to say, well,

35:18

I don’t act like this and I’m not going to get promoted. That is a choice. Right. And when you say act like this, I want you guys to take responsibility for what that actually means because it’s not selling out. Right. And a of people will say that it’s like, well, I can’t, you know, act like that because that’s not,  who I am at my core. It is absolutely who you are at your core. How you’re presenting yourself is can be seen on a wide spectrum. Even like

35:47

things that we traditionally perceive as being negative, like directness and as we said, like hard charging or conflict or, all those sorts of things that we kind of might believe about ourselves or  become intrinsic in our characteristics or points of view that we have  or beliefs that we have. Those are all, we’re not asking you to change those. What we’re trying to ask you guys to do is look at those and see how they should present themselves.

36:14

in a way that’s going to move myself towards my goals. And sometimes it’s turning them down. Sometimes it’s acknowledging, well, this isn’t going to work. This characteristic isn’t going to work in this situation. I need to turn this characteristic down. I need to dial up other characteristics.  We’re not saying that if you are one way that you have said should act like another. And actually we said that you shouldn’t do that because at least in authentic behavior, it’s going to be very hard to continue to show up that way. If it’s not coming from

36:42

the place of your personal brand and place of authenticity.  But if you don’t acknowledge the fact that you are in control of this, that it is your choice, that it’s not other people who are forcing you to be a certain way in order for you to achieve your goals. And you realize that your big thing is more important than being right.  You will get over this. You will persevere. You will move forward. And so  let your big thing be your compass. Let that be your why. Yeah.

37:10

I mean, I think that was well said and sums up all the points we tried to make during this episode. But I think that the case for enduring the struggles  is something that you should look at as positive because not everybody will choose to do it.  And so like Anne said, it is your choice.  If you decide that you’d rather be right than  achieve whatever it is you’re setting out to do, that’s fine. I mean, I’m a Taurus. I am stubborn through and through.

37:40

I love to be correct. And if you ask Bryce, he’ll say, I think that I always am and I never say sorry, but there we go. That’s a different therapy for a different day. But I mean, there are people who will just say, no, the work should speak for itself. I’m not gonna go out of my way to do that. I feel like I’m selling out, right? We hear all of those excuses. But I think if you’re willing to take an objective look and learn more about yourself,

38:06

and realize that if you address these things, you will only get better, which will then lead to the achievement of all your big things in life. That lens is a much more fulfilling lens. And again, Anne and I have said, we’ve been through all of it. You heard it today, right?  I find it so much more fulfilling to take feedback, even if sometimes I have to swallow really hard, and then go and internalize it and process through it and decide what I’m taking from it. And then,

38:36

become better for it than spending time swirling in my brain and being indignant because I want to pretend that’s not true. Yes. And I mean, that is called maturity and personal growth. And a lot of times what’s holding that back is ego. 100%. I was just listening to Jay Shetty this morning and ego was the chapter. And it’s, know, again, ego can be good in certain ways and certain circumstances and certain moments.

39:05

and it can hold you back in others. So being honest about when it’s doing its work and for the positive and when it’s doing its work for the negative  is a really important thing to  keep an eye on and realize that it’s okay to evolve and change.  And that’s also a hard thing because again, we  become so identified with some of these ways that we show up and it becomes a badge of honor that we wear.

39:31

that it’s hard to shift from that because then we wonder what other people think.  That is the name of the game here is if  you’re shifting in order to improve perception of who you are so you could trade your big thing. That is for your own benefit. And then at the end of the day, who cares what other people think as to why, as long as it’s an authentic way that you’re showing up. If it’s inauthentic and you’re just trying to  manipulate people, they’ll pick up on that very, very quickly. That’s not what we’re saying here.

40:01

But I mean, April is totally right in that, you know, the shift is so critically important to embrace the struggle.  When you’re feeling that struggle, that tension, it usually means it’s time to shift. Yep, absolutely. So that’s personal growth people and that growth mindset that a lot of people talk about.  All right. Well,  therapy session is over for now.

40:27

So hopefully you’ve gotten some good insight backed by some very  vulnerable examples that come from April and I’s personal history, as well as sprinkled in with some others.  But just to recap these four strategies, first, you want to name the soft skill challenge and own it. Second, you want to understand what characteristic it stems from and modulate your appearance and behaviors and actions accordingly. Third, you want to be aware, be intentional, and be consistent with your appearance and behaviors and actions.

40:57

And fourth, you want to let your big thing be your compass. And with that, we encourage you to take at least one powerful insight you heard and put it into practice, embrace those struggles, embrace some high performers. Cause remember strategic counsel is only effective if you put it into action.  Did we spark something with this episode that you want to talk about further?  Reach out to us through our website, forthright-people.com/.  We can help you customize what you have heard to move your business.

41:23

and make sure to follow or subscribe to Strategic Council on your favorite podcast platform.